由于特殊的机缘，我由城里一个娇生惯养的孩子，一下子成为终日劳动的农村的孩子。在那里我学会了种地、放牛、上山砍柴、编筐、编篓、编草帽，还会用各种方法到河里去逮鱼。我是突然被投入到城里人所说的大自然中的。冬日满山遍野的冰雪，春天遍地花香，秋天累累的果实，夏天的炎热、蝉鸣与洪水，这些深深地印在我的永久的记忆中。我的童年是充满苦难与阳光的。当时我也许并不知道，这些既真实又带有梦想的记忆对于我的人生是有多么深远的意义。

　　我的少年时代是在美丽的哈尔滨度过的。我从记事起就喜欢写字画画。刚上初中的那年夏天，我在一家书店发现一套光绪年间出版的《芥子园画谱》，真是爱不释手。那套书很贵，家里又很困难，我终日哀求父亲，最终买到了这套宝贵的书。我不仅临摹书中的画，同时也临摹书中的字。每天放学我会奔跑到家中，一打开那一本本画谱，一闻到古书散发的那种气味，我的心立刻安静下来，一笔笔的临摹，心中有一种无法描述的幸福感。时过不久，在这家书店我又买到一本《莱奥纳多·达·芬奇传》，封面上的自画像，那动人心魄的流畅的线条，使我立刻就想用这种线条去画画。我去找发黄的素描纸，买棕色的铅笔，兴致勃勃地画起来。更使我激动的是，我又买到一本伦布朗的小画册。画中集中在人物面部的光线，好像照在我心上的一缕阳光，又神秘又充满希望。也是在这个年代，我买到第一本我最喜爱的字帖《兰亭序》;第一部引起我喜爱的哲学的书伏尔泰的《哲学通信》;第一次听到的，终生喜爱的琴声(小提琴)。这些是我人生未经任何指引，完全独立的，不受干扰的感受和发现。这是一种未被任何知识、成见如：政治、国别、种族、“东西方”……所遮蔽的感受。可以说是这些人生最初的体验照亮了我的人生之路。至今我仍然坚信这些人生最初的经验。

　　我家迁到北京时，北京的古都风貌使我感到非常亲切。我经常围绕城墙和城门楼上上下下到处画速写、画写生，那地地道道的中国气息很自然地融入我的心胸之中。

　　那时候每到星期天，带上速写本，水彩盒，我便由西郊魏公村步行到琉璃厂。用省下来的几毛钱车费，买一本三希堂字帖或旧宣纸或毛笔，偶尔还能买到我最喜欢的宋人山水小画片。总之，每次都会有“重大”发现和收获。回家之后，我便如醉如痴地写和画。我还用陈年的窗户纸泡水，做仿旧宣纸，把写生的画再画成宋人风格的画，再想法设法自己装裱起来。琉璃厂和中国古老文化使我入迷。几十本三希堂贴买全了，家中大白纸糊的墙壁都写满了字。每到春节我还要用好的墨和古旧宣纸，选好的字帖，写上一个通宵。一种墨香、古书香、一种在鞭炮声中的宁静，这是一种在今天很稀缺的文明。这种中国传统文化深层所包含的精神，应该是中国传统文化中真正有生命力的东西。

　　我绝对没有因为喜爱书法、国画而忘了达·芬奇，伦布朗，就在这期间，我也画了许多油画写生，油画使我入迷。巧的是这期间在故宫有一个大型的全苏联画展。由于我的痴迷和真诚我竟然弄到一个临摹证，这个证只有中央美院教师才可以领到。于是我每天天不亮便由西郊骑车到故宫。早晨六点到九点，就是在开馆前临摹三个小时。对于一个中学生来说，我十分珍惜这次机会，我还得到了苏联代表团一位著名画家的赞扬。

　　由于我酷爱绘画，我顺利的考入中央美院附中、中央美术学院。大学的学习生活比预想的要复杂得多。不论是政治上还是学术上都充满了矛盾、斗争、苦闷。多亏中央美术学院有好的传统和老师，大学仍是我人生最难忘的阶段。

　　就是在那样很左的政治环境中，我的思想的火山爆发了。我狂热的想了解这个世界。我发现唯有生命能认识这个世界。我读了我所能找到的大量的书籍。尽管我认为文学比哲学空洞，但那些世界文学名著我还是读了许多。其实我更喜欢读些科学哲学或有关音乐方面的书籍。像普恩加莱的《科学与假设》，秦斯的《物理学与哲学》，海森堡的《严密自然科学基础近年来的变化》，赖欣巴哈的《科学哲学的兴起》……。这些书籍传达的思想，使我对当时世界文化有一个较为全面的概念，坚定了我对人类文化在观念上，必然要发展的信念。

　　七十年代末，也许是因为我喜欢哲学，特别是自然哲学，因而我与抽象绘画和现代绘画感到极为融洽。这期间画了不少抽象半抽象的画，还写了《抽象、科学、艺术、文明》一文，呼吁我国美术界，要勇于接受现代艺术观念，以改变我国在艺术上及设计上(包括建筑设计、工业设计、装潢设计等)的落后状态。遗憾的是过了好几年，这篇文章才得以发表，而且这个杂志也只出了一期。这期间很自然的我的绘画发生了很大变化。八十年代初，我偷偷的将现代绘画加入我的教学中。在学校里，这在当时被认为是精神污染。后来，我在黄山油画讨论会上的论文《不可避免的选择——油画与现代观念》中，再次呼吁要勇于接受现代观念。

　　我发现，在人类文明的进程中，文化的落后是不易被觉察的，也不易被承认的，我们有种种理由蒙蔽我们自己。我们有“政治”的理由，“民族”的理由，坚持“传统”的理由……。总之我们有许多办法为自己造就锁链。应该说文化上的开化将是一个漫长的过程。

　　文化的先进性，应该是对人类文明的进程有真正的贡献，真正能拓宽自由创作的视野，有全新的理论和方法。假若我们能将人文社会科学与自然科学重构，传统与现代重构，精神与身体重构，我们或许真的具有先进性。我们甚至会真正看到我们传统文化中那些真正有生命力的东西，那些纯粹与和谐的东西。

　　仿佛昨天刚过，而今天我已是七十多岁的人了，我仍然那么喜爱绘画、音乐、哲学。书店仍然是我最喜欢去的地方。我发现当代哲学家把目光转向语言的批判和解构时，他们确实在寻求新的生活目标。他们的许多思想使我感到兴奋。我希望有更多的角度来看待自然，让幻想与真实相碰撞，让美好的画面显现出来。我少年时期的经验，对我人生十分宝贵。我是独立的，我沿着自己的感受前行，我喜欢自然、真实、面向未来。

　　2010.8.28

　　To Be Natural, Real and Look into Future

　　Under special circumstances, I became a kid working all day in the village from a spoilt kid in the city. I learnt to farm, pasture cattle, cut firewood in the mountains, weave baskets and straw hats…and I also learnt to fish in rivers in different ways. I was thrown suddenly into what urban people called “nature.” The snow all over mountains in winter, the thick fragrance in spring, rich fruits in autumn, and the heat, cicada singing and flood in summer, all of them is my permanent memory. My childhood was full of sufferings and sunshine. I did not realized at the time that how influential was the real memory with dream in my life.

　　I spent my boyhood in beautiful Harbin. I liked to write and paint when I could remember. The summer when I entered junior high school, I discovered Painting Book of Jiezi Garden published in the years of emperor Guangxu of Qing dynasty in a bookstore, and I could not tear myself away from the book; the book was expensive and my family was poor; I begged my parents all the time and finally I got it. I copied the paintings in the book as well as the characters in it. Every day after school, I ran back home and open the book; the moment I smelt the odor from it, I could calm down and copy them, and my heart was filled with the sense of happiness that I could hardly tell. Sometime later, I bought Biography of Leonardo da Vinci in the same bookstore; the self-portrait on the cover with the soul-stirring smooth lines brought me the impulse to draw with the line. I looked for yellow sketch papers, bought brown pencils, and painted with enthusiasm. What was more exciting was that, I bought a painting album of Rembrandt. The rays of light focusing in the face of the people in the paintings were like the mysterious and hopeful sunshine lighting my heart. During that period, I bought Lanting Preface—the first copybook of calligraphy that I liked, and Voltaire’s Letters Philosophiques—the first book that made me like philosophy, and for the first time I heard the tweedle(violin) that I like life time. These are the completely independent, undisturbed feelings and discoveries of my life without any guidance. This is a feeling that was not covered by any knowledge or prejudice such as politics, nationality, ethnicity and “east” or “west”. The primary experience lighted my life. And I still firmly believe the primary experiences of life.

　　When I moved to Beijing, the ancient appearance as the capital of Beijing was amiable. I often walked along the city walls and the city gates towers, drawing sketches, the typical flavor of China blended into my heart naturally.

　　At that time, every Sunday, I brought my sketch book and painting box and walked to Liulichang from Weigongcun. With the several cents of fare I saved, I bought a Sanxitang Copy Book, old rice papers or old writing brushes, sometimes, I could bought the pictures of landscapes of the people of Song dynasty that I liked most. In a word, I had “important” findings and gains every time. After returning home, I wrote and painted. I put the used window paper into water and made the old rice paper, painted the sketched in the style of Song dynasty, and tried to mount them. I was fascinated with Liulichang and the ancient culture of China. I bought the entire version of Sanxitang copybook, and walls of my pasted with white paper were covered with my writings. Every spring festival, I wrote for the whole night with selected ink, old rice papers, and copybook. The ink paintings, ancient books and paintings, and the serenity among the sound of fireworks is the absent civilization of nowadays. The spirit in the deep traditional culture of China should be the very vital part in Chinese traditional culture.

　　I did not forget da Vinci or Rembranbdt because I liked calligraphy; during that period, I drew many paintings by which I was fascinated. It was a coincidence that there was a large scale art exhibition of the Soviet Union in the Forbidden City. And with my fascination and sincerity, I got the certificate for copying which could only be obtained by the faculty members of the Central Academy of Art. Every day before dawn, I rode from the west part of the city to the Forbidden City. From 6 o’clock to 9 o’clock in the morning, I copied for three hour before it was open to the public. As a high school student, I cherished the opportunity a lot and I was praised by a famous artist from the Soviet Union.

　　With my strong affinity for painting, I was enrolled in the affiliated middle school of the Central Academy of Art and then the Central Academy of Art. Studies in the college were more complicated than what I had imagined. There were full of contradictions, struggles, and distress in politics as well as in academy. Thanks to the tradition and the kind teachers of the college, it was still of period of my life that I could hardly forget.

　　In the very left political environment, the volcano of my thoughts erupted. I wanted to learn about the world frantically. And I found that only life could learn about the world. I read the many books that I could find. I thought literature was shallower than philosophy, but I read many classics of world literature. I preferred the books about scientific philosophy and music. Such as Science and Hypothesis by Poincare, Physics and Philosophy by Jeans, Recent Changes of the Strict Basis of Natural Science by Heisenberg, Rising of Scientific Philosophy by Reichenbach and so on. The ideas of the books gave me a complete concept about the world culture at the time, and gave me the firm faith that the culture of people would definitely develop in terms of concept.

　　In the late seventies, I felt that abstract painting and modern painting were very harmonious partly because I liked philosophy, especially natural philosophy. I drew many abstract and semi-abstract painting in the period, and I also wrote the article Abstract, Science, Art and Civilization, calling for the acceptance of modern artistic ideas in the art field of our country, and the change of the unenlightened state of our country in the fields of art and design (including building design, industrial design and decoration design). It was a pity that the article was not published after many years, and the magazine was issued once. It was natural that my painting changed a lot during the period. In the beginning of the eighties, I taught modern painting additionally without noticing. And it was thought to be spiritual pollution in schools. Later, in my thesis Painting and Modern Concept—Unavoidable Choice in Painting Symposium at the Yellow mountain, I called for the acceptance of modern concept for another time.

　　I discover that in the process of human civilization, the backwardness of culture was hard to notice and admit, as we have reasons to blind ourselves. We have political reason, ethnic reason, and traditional reasons and so on…. In a word, we have ways to make chain for ourselves. And the enlightenment of culture is a long process.

　　The advance of culture should be the real contribution to human civilization, the vision to broaden free creation and new theories and methods. If we can re-construct human science and natural science; tradition and modernization; spirit and body, then we may have the real advance. We may even see the materials with real vigor in our traditional culture—the pure and harmonious materials.

　　Yesterday seems just went away and I am over 70 now. I am still very fond of painting, music, and philosophy and bookstore is still the place a like most. I find that contemporary philosophers turn to the criticism and deconstruction of language and they really look for the new goal of life. And many ideas of them are exciting. I hope to look at nature from more angles and the real collision of illusion and facts can bring beautiful pictures. The experiences of my youth are precious in my life. I am independent, going forward along my feeling; I like nature, facts and looking into future.

Zhang Liguo 2010-8-28