2011年初到西藏阿里，即被那种原始状态的空灵和神秘击中心灵。瞬息万变诡谲的光，恍若置身梦幻的外星。人到了那里就好像触碰到神灵，感觉到一种未知无形的力量，而这种力量我根本抓不住，似乎只有神可以控制。

　　原本准备画些写生，由于初到藏地的各种不适应，几幅小画写生之后，最终放弃了。重要的并不是高原反应等客观条件，面对如此风景我第一次感到对景写生的苍白和无力。

　　之后，我的心一直停留在那片土地，思念之情久久挥之不去。凭借记忆和照片的提示画了若干大大小小的作品。那时，我的心变野了，我知道我还要与它再次相见。

　　2013年8月，像久别的爱人，我等来了和它再次相逢的机会。而这次，不是旅行，是写生。

　　我忐忑不安，兴奋而又纠结。我知道这将是我绘画生涯一次最巨大的挑战。我必须打起精神，因为我知道从未有一个地方这样打动我，感染我，让我深陷而不能自拔。这种力量最终让我从惧怕在它身边画画到鼓起勇气决定在它怀里铺开六米长的画布。

　　一切似乎已经准备妥当。特别是这两年画了一定数量的作品，有了预热阶段，怎么画将不是一个陌生的问题。我不断思考我的计划，分析可能出现的种种情况。

　　随着进入阿里地区，途中风景闪过一幅幅震撼而又灵动飘渺的画面，我象第一次来这里一样的激动。但我意识到，这里的一切是属于这里的，我不可能将它们带走，我来这里是寻找自己，寻找已丢失的力量。

　　我理想地认为作画过程应该可控，但当我铺开画布用尽全力挥笔时，发现阿里显然没有眷顾我，冰雹、雨点、和大风不时地让我狼狈不堪。而刺眼的阳光更是让我头晕目眩，我看不清所调的颜色，时常眼前一片花白。由于画幅很大，4800米的海拔足以让我画一笔喘三下。挣扎成为那段时间的常态。

　　由于外部客观环境和以往差异迥然，作画方式和心态也被迫改变。一切预设都是徒劳。我清楚地知道我面对的不仅仅是画画本身，优雅惬意的写生已不复存在，稍有松懈都将溃不成军。由于所画尺幅的原因，我选定的作画地点是固定不变的。一连多日的刺眼阳光加之多变的天气，任何长时间观看都会让画家陷入疲惫和麻木。此时的观看对我来说只是自欺欺人，即使不是，阿里无尽的风情也会引诱我进入矫饰的陷阱。

　　在这种被动情形下，写生的意义已变成和自己的一场殊死搏斗。沉重的身体、急促的呼吸，刺眼的光线、大风裹挟着冰雹雨点、忽隐忽现的雪山、变幻莫测的云和湖水让我置身于现实与梦境的交界处。瞬时间，眼前的一切有时会怎么也看不清，只剩下知觉，象一个盲人摸索着走路。而所有这些真实的感知唤起了我的勇气和力量让我朝着自由的王国缓慢前进。

　　有人说绘画创造了一种幻象，过程是真实的，其结果并不真实，无论它是具象的还是抽象的。我不知该怎样描述我的这些写生作品，作为表现阿里，我认为我永远无法带走它，而作为我自己，阿里让我碰撞倒自己的内心深处，它时常让我忘了我要画的是那里的风景。我画的每一幅画都有不同的体验。有几小时完成的，也有几天完成的，无法预期。我始终在内心深处与这片美的叫人失魂的地方中间游走，时而感觉就要抓住什么，时而又烟飞云散。无论是一气呵成还是一遍又一遍地反复画，在结束那一刻所得到的体验也跟着终止，面对下一幅空白的画布我仍旧不知道如何下笔，一切都是未知的，一切从头开始。我十分小心地呵护这种状态，因为它很容易被已有的任何一种经验或概念毁掉。

　　我深爱阿里这片土地，它桀骜不驯，又妩媚动人，它的美是独立的，永恒的，但也是脆弱的。很久以来，人类一直在试图寻找理想中的家园。这也许是我为什么要为一个不真实的画面结果去阿里寻找另一种真实存在的理由。

刘商英

2013年9月

Painting from Life in Ali

　　I was completely overwhelmed by the pristine, ethereal and enigmatic atmosphere immediately after I arrived in Ali for the first time in 2011. Changing all time, the light is suggestive of an alien world. There one gets the feeling that sacred spirit is around. The force, unknown and invisible, remained out of my hold － it seemed to be only in the grip of divine spirit.

　　I had planned to do some paintings from life there but had to give up after several small paintings due to various kind of mountain sickness typical of Tibet. Admittedly there was the physical conditions, altitude reaction in particular, but more importantly, I was, for the first time, too weak and vulnerable to paint from life in front of such landscape.

　　I felt my heart was left there since then, and there was always a deep longing, which was translated into a great number of paintings of various sizes according to memory and the photos taken there. At that time it was on mind all the time－ I would go back one day, I was sure.

　　In August, 2013, I finally got a chance to see what seemed to be my long-separated love. This time, I came for painting, not for tourism.

　　Upset, excited and confused, I knew it would be the greatest challenge in my painting career. I had to brace myself up because I knew never was there such a place as this that had moved me so much, and in fact I was hopelessly in love with it. Thanks to such force, I was no longer afraid of painting by its side and found the courage to spread my 6- meter-long canvas in its arms.

　　Everything seemed to be ready. With a number of paintings in the last two years as warm-up, I did not think how to paint would be a problem. I thought about my plan over and over again, identifying and analyzing possible situations.

　　Enjoying the scene that is impressive, lively and misty, I felt as excited as I was last time. I was aware, however, that everything here belonged to this land, and I had no way to take them away－I came to look for myself, my lost strength.

　　I had fancifully believed that I could handle everything when I painted there, but when I spread the canvas and got ready to work, I found Ali did not care about me for anything－now and then hails, raindrops and strong winds put me all in a fluster, plus the sunlight that was so dazzling that I often failed to tell one color from another on the pallet. Painting on a very large canvas at an elevation of 4,800, I stopped to take a deep breath every stroke. Struggle was my key word during that time.

　　As the objective conditions and environment changed, I had to change my way of painting and my state of mind as well. Any prediction was in vain. Clearly I knew what was in front me was more than painting, as the graceful and pleasant painting from life in its usual sense was nowhere to be found there, and even a momentary lapse would mean complete failure. I painted in the same place because the size of the canvas. Days of strong sun and capricious weather brought exhaustion and took away sensitivity from a painter straining his eyes for a long time, so to me, watching at time was something deceptive－even if it was not for that, the appeal of Ali would trapped me into affectation.

　　In this case of passivity, painting from life became a life-and-death struggle with my self. I was placed at the border between reality and dream by the combination of my heavy body and breath, dazzling sunlight, hails and raindrops carried by strong wind, the looming snow mountain, clouds that changed all the time, as well as the lake that took on another color every minute. All of a sudden, everything before me became misty, only my sense remained, like a blind man feeling his way. The courage and strength the true perception awakened in me equipped me when I walk slowly toward the kingdom of freedom.

　　It is said that painting creates a vision. The process is real, but the result not, no matter it is figurative or abstract. I don't know how to describe these paintings of mine. If they are expression of Ali, I do not think I can take them away; for me, Ali touched such depth of my innermost that I often forgot that I was painting the landscape there. Each and every painting shows different experience. Some were done in several hours, some in days－I had no way to predict. I kept wandering between the depth of my heart and this beautifully captivating land, sometime feeling something within reach and sometimes nothing in sight again. No matter I finished the painting at one sitting or repeatedly worked on the same canvas, my experience ended the moment the painting came to an end, so I still did not know what would be on the next canvas. Nothing was known, and I had to start afresh. I took great care of this state of being, for it was invulnerable to any established experience or concept.

　　I'm deeply in love with this proud and wild but charming land called Ali, whose beauty is independent and everlasting but delicate. Human beings have been in painstaking search for an ideal home, which might account for my effort to trace another true being for the sake of an untrue result of the painting.

Liu Shangying

September, 2013

作者：刘商英